Thursday, August 6, 2009

Good News, Bad News, and So Many Appointments

Yesterday was rough, but it was also nice that Jerry was with me the whole day. We started out very early in the morning because we had to drop off the boys with Marilyn. Thankfully she always seems to be there to help out when I have all these appointments. I know there are a lot of people that would help, but she goes out of her way to come out here and pick them up for me so I don't have to get up an extra hour earlier and take them out to her.

My ultrasound went pretty good first thing in the morning. Hope was being pretty cooperative so they could get all the measurements. She is now almost 4 pounds, which is great news. She is also heads down and hopefully will stay that way. She wouldn't let the tech get a good look at her heart, but I think she knew we would be spending an hour with Dr. Patel and wanted to wait and let him see her heart.

After the ultrasound I met with Dr. Lavin...he is a partner in the Maternal Fetal Medicine group. There are 5 doctors in the group, so I don't know if I really have a regular OB. He was great and we talked about inducing. We are now scheduled for an induction on September 21st. As long as Hope does not come earlier, that will probably be her birthday. Now that I have a date, it makes it much harder to not spend time worrying about everything.

The appointment with Dr. Patel was long as usual. It is getting harder to see everything, but he said everything looked OK. Of course this is the good news, bad news. Hope is not deteriorating, which is what Dr. Patel has been fearing would happen throughout the pregnancy; however, the valves that she does have are forcing blood into her lungs and it is not able to get out (or something like that...he indicated some sort of septal defect, which I have not really looked up yet). I really don't understand much of what he is talking about, but I am going to get a copy of the echo report so that I can try and interpret it a little better on my own. He also told me that a little boy was born with HLHS last night. I was super hopeful when he told me that Dr. Smith will be doing the surgery later this week and the prognosis looked pretty good. Then of course I asked about Hope. Bad idea. He told me that the little boy was in much better shape than Hope. He has a mitral and atrial valve and his aorta is big enough to be used. That is the bad news...he confirmed what I kind of knew in my heart but have been avoiding. I am still holding out for my miracle, no matter what the echo tells me. Things could change and she is not getting worse, which means she is a fighter.

My last meeting of the day was after lunch. I can't remember everyone that was there, but there was someone there from every department that will help me through the pregnancy, labor and delivery, and my hospital stay. We basically went through the birth plan and talked about a lot of stuff that was on there and how they could help. The only area that is still hard to figure out is the echo after Hope is born. I really don't want her to leave my side at any time, so our final decision is to wait until I am able to go with her for the echo. Sadly, that means the echo will probably be delayed a couple of hours, but I would prefer that over her being away from me. The perinatologist was in the room and told me she had just finished meeting with Dr. Patel. They discussed Hope and she feels that this is the best decision as Hope may be born 'blue' because of the blood in her lungs. That was the hardest part of the meeting because I had been holding out so much for a miracle and I feel like the doctors don't have much hope left in them.

Yesterday was hard and I sit and wonder how much harder this is going to get the further along I get. I pray everyday and my aunt has given me some great book ideas about angels. I have been trying to meditate in the evenings for about an hour and bring positive energy into my head and my heart. I know that everything I do will help, even if it can't make her heart whole. I have not given up and know that God has a plan for our whole family.


  1. Hi Paula,
    It's Emily from BBC. I'm so sorry that you feel as if the doctors are giving up on Hope. I pray for her and all of our Fall babies. They've stayed strong inside us this long and we can't give up hope!

  2. Thinking of are a brave mama who loves so well. I remember how overwhelming all these meetings were. So hard to listen to them talk about your baby. Your time with Hope will be so amazing. Keep walking one step at at time...I know there are many around you who love your family so much and are walking right with you.

    Laura (String of Pearls)

  3. Hi Paula - I have been following your blog as my daughter also has a number of CHD's and we are also switching over to Dr. Patel soon. I just wanted to tell you that one thing that worked for me when I was pregnant with my Sophie was keeping a journal and just writing to her and venting what I was feeling. It really helped to get things off my mind at night and actually get some sleep. Anyways, you continue to be in my prayers. ~Angie