I Hate This

whole situation. I am totally depressed and cry all the time. I really don't think I can handle terminating my pregnancy and I really don't know how I will manage to carry Hope to term and then watch her die. This is impossible and really unfair that I have to make the decision.

I called clinics today and found out that there is only ONE that will terminate up to 24 weeks. It is the one clinic that Kristin (my counselor at the hospital) said she would NOT suggest. The person I talked to was NOT compassionate at all and made me feel like I was just one of the many people that come in there to terminate. I would at least like some sympathy with the decision I have to make and I can't seem to find anyone that really cares how I feel or that will help me make terminating a little more compassionate.

I think I am back to carrying Hope to term and then holding and watching her pass away in my arms. This is something I am fearing with every part of my body, heart, and mind. I am also worried about Jerry and Destiny and how they will feel and what they will go through with me. I know I will feel better about this decision, but it breaks my heart that I will have to put this kind of grief into the lives of Jerry and Destiny. I don't think it is fair at all that they need to experience death at their ages. They don't understand that Hope is really sick and that she won't make it through the surgeries (even in the unlikely world that she was a candidate for them).

I am so depressed and angry right now that I don't really know what I am typing. I just know that the tears stream down my face almost all day and I don't know how to make them stop or even if I want them too.

No poem with this post as I can't even imagine that any of them would really be able to communicate how I am feeling.