Back to Waiting

I know I was looking into terminating this pregnancy. Mainly the news just kept getting worse and worse and I felt like it would be 'easier' to terminate than to carry to term. I am finding that is not the case. The thought of having a D&E at an Abortion Clinic is NOT what I want for my daughter. I can't even imagine it and I have finally given up on that idea...at least I have given up on the idea of an Abortion Clinic. I really want Hope to be born alive and have a chance to say hello and goodbye to her. I don't know if there are any doctors in this area that would consider inducing labor early, but if not I will carry her to term and figure out the family situation (what to do with Jerry and Paul) at that time.

Jerry and I have barely spoken about the decision and I am not sure how he feels about it anymore. I know he felt it would be better for me and the family to terminate earlier, but I really believe that he will be OK with any decision I make. Our lives have definitely changed since I found out about Hope...Jerry and I don't talk as much and haven't been intimate with each other in weeks. I know that he is waiting for me to tell him what I want, but there are times when I really don't know what to say to him. I am depressed most of the time and I know he can feel it when he is at home. I just wish he would make the time to hug me or talk to me about how I feel. There are times I feel truly abandoned by him when I really need him to be here for me. I know that he is thinking about everything and is grieving in his own way...although he may not be grieving at all right now. I don't know if it has really sunk in that Hope will probably not be in our lives very long, but once it sinks in for him...I know he will grieve deeply. I just want our marriage and our family to make it through this and hold on to each other and realize how wonderful our lives really are. I love Jerry with all my heart and know that we can make it through just about anything together. We just need to start communicating again.

I guess I need to start thinking about getting stuff together for Hope. I really want Jerry's mom and sister Danielle to make her a beautiful outfit for when she is born. There are so many details that need to be worked out now that I have made my decision and I don't even know where to begin. There is a lot of help available through the hospital and I plan to discuss everything with them sometime next month. I really want to celebrate my 40th Birthday without having any appointments and not having to worry or think about Hope. I know that is really not possible...I think about her almost every minute of every day.

I hope I am making the right decision for our family. I know I will think about this decision for the next 4 months and I really want to spend some time really enjoying the rest of this pregnancy. I have loved being pregnant and I don't want my fear to change how I feel when I am pregnant.