I think I am spending too much time thinking about everything that has happened, what might happen, and how I will feel when something does happen...and the problem is, I know something is going to happen. I spend a lot of time with the boys and they are bringing me more joy than I can write. I find myself really treasuring the small things that they do, but there are times when I am doing this that I catch myself thinking that Hope will never be able to do the same thing. She won't be able to spend time outside with the trees, the lake, the birds, the sun, the wind, or anything else that God has created. Her short life will consist of the hospital and that is really sad to think about.
Jerry and I have been talking a lot more about our choices and the decisions that we have to make and it makes it more 'real' every time that we talk. When Hope is born, we will have a very short amount of time to spend with her. I want the time to be meaningful and I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I know Jerry does not understand how I feel yet...he doesn't really think it is 'real' and probably won't until she is here. I am the one that needs to make all of the plans and meet with everyone to discuss our (my) wishes. Jerry doesn't understand the need for pictures and I can't imagine not having pictures of her. I just don't want to forget her or how she looks, smells, and feels. I am meeting with the Palliative Care Group next week and there are a lot of details I want to discuss with them. I am gathering a lot of information from many different websites, including personal stories, about what other people did when they lost their children and also about things they did not do that they now regret. I want her life (no matter how short) to be special and to show her how much she is loved. I want her to be remembered forever.
This poem is special and reminds me every day that even when we let Hope go, we will not be letting hope for the rest of our lives go with her. We will love and cherish the time she was with us and remember the long journey:
When things go wrong,
as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging
seems all uphill,
When the funds are low,
and the debts are high,
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must,
but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem their worst that you mustn't quit!
~C. W. Longenecker~
This poem reminds me that even though I grieve for my loss, I still have a life to live and this is another lesson I must learn in my short time on earth. My boys still need me (all of them) and I need to spend time cherishing all of the time I have with all of them.