The weekend was not as bad as I thought it would be. My husband and I talked a little about Hope, but not nearly as much as I would have liked. He says he does not want to influence my decision either way because he doesn't want me to blame him and have our marriage fall apart. He broke down for the first time and we cried together over the fact that we actually have to make a decision. I think that is the most unfair part of this whole prenatal diagnosis. If we hadn't known, we wouldn't even be having these conversations.
I spent a lot of time with my boys this weekend...mostly outside playing and it was great. There were a few times that I broke down and cried thinking Hope may never be able to enjoy our huge yard and have all the fun the boys have. Even if she makes it through all three surgeries, there is no guarantee that she will be able to lead the life that she deserves and that the boys enjoy so much. That is something that is making the decision that much harder...do we bring her into this world knowing that she will be spending most of her young life in and out of the hospital having surgery after surgery and hooked up to machines to help her live. Or...do we let her rest in peace in God's arms without having to feel the pain of all the surgeries.
I have been putting a list together or questions to ask the surgeon on Wednesday and I think that is the day we will be making the biggest decision of our lives. If her heart problems are as bad as we think (we really were not in the right frame of mind to really comprehend what the cardiologist was telling us after the echocardiogram) then our decision may be easier...although not easy by any stretch of the imagination.
I found this poem online today and it really makes me feel that God will watch over and take care of Hope no matter which decision we make:
Daddy please don't look so sad, Mommy please don't cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please don't try to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you and that He changed His mind.
You see, I am special and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special child you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll alway be there with you,
So watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
So Daddy please don't look so sad.
Mommy please don't cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus,
And He sings me lullabies.
Even though it breaks my heart to read this poem and especially to think that Hope may not be here on earth with us, I know that she will be with God.