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It has been a great couple of days. I have been focusing on feeling Hope kicking...which is not really strong, but it is there in the morning and right before I go to sleep. I have also been spending a lot of time with Jerry and Paul and I know that they love the extra time we have been able to spend together. It seems really strange that I don't spend every hour of every day thinking about Hope. I spend a lot of time and have been doing a lot of reading and searching the Internet. My next appointments are on June 24th and Kristin wants me to start thinking about a Birth Plan. I am having a really hard time thinking about that right now, but I know I need to in the next few weeks. I decided to copy a few down that I found and I will look at them after mine and Paul's birthdays.

There are so many things that I really need to get off my chest and it feels good to type them and look back at them. I feel really good with our decision to carry Hope to term and see what God has in store for us and for her. It makes me sad some days when I think that she will not make it, but I want to give her a chance. I am not very hungry lately, but I know I need to eat to give her a chance to grow as big as she can...she needs to be at least 6 pounds when she is born.

I guess the hardest part of all of this is that no one close to me really understands what I am going through right now. I find a lot of support on the Internet, but it would be great to have a friend or relative that knows how I am feeling. There are times when I feel so alone and wish that people would at least acknowledge that I am pregnant and that Hope is sick. Everyone seems to avoid it all the time. I know it is hard for everyone to think about, but I am going to be showing really soon and then they won't be able to deny it.

I plan to ask my mother in law (Rosie) and sister in law (Danielle) to make a couple outfits for Hope. I want her to have something new to wear when she is born...and if she passes away, I would like to have an outfit for her to wear. I know the request will be hard to make, but I will feel better knowing they are a part of my pregnancy and Hope's birth. I also want to ask Marilyn to make a scrapbook for me after Hope is born. There are so many memories that I want to make sure I keep secure and there is so much that I want for the future. Finally, my last request will be for my mom and will probably be the hardest of all. I am going to need her to take some time off work when Hope is born to take care of Jerry and Paul. I know it will be hard for her, but I want the boys at the hospital as soon as possible after she is born. We really don't know what will happen and I want them to meet her and spend time with her and with us as a family. As much as Jerry does not want to think about it, I really want to make sure all of the nurses and he are able to take as many pictures as possible. I know they will help me in the future if she does not make it. I plan on buying a few throw-away cameras just in case something happens to my camera. I want as many family members to come and visit and take as many pictures as they can as well. I don't know how much time we will have with Hope and I want to treasure every minute.

I am filling out this questionnaire for a Gift of Time. The information will be used for a new book about women that have decided to continue their pregnancy after they have received a bad prenatal diagnosis. I will post it here when I am done with it and I hope some of my feelings will make it to the book.

My poem for today...maybe because I am feeling sorry for myself and thinking that no one around me really understands what I am going through:

Don't tell me that you understand,
Don't tell me that you know...
Don't tell me that I will surely survive,
How I will surely grow...

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest...

Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me...
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free...

Don't stand in pious judgement,
Of the bonds that I must untie...
Don't tell he how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry...

My life is stilled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see...
Bu I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally...

Accept me in my up's and down's,
I need someone to share...
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, My Friend, I care...

~Unknown Author~