One Year Ago Today

Every time I have started this post I have spent most of the time crying.  One year ago today I handed my beautiful daughter over to the surgeons to 'fix' her heart.  Just remembering the day of her Norwood scares me and brings up emotions so raw that it is hard to describe.  It is a day that will forever be etched in my mind and one that I remember all the time with mixed emotions.  I remember the feeling of being in PICU while the doctors and nurses were describing everything.  I wasn't really thinking about what was going to happen...I was holding my daughter in my arms and crying like I have never cried before.  I was praying to God like I had never prayed before.  I know people were talking, but I heard nothing...I was lost in a world that belonged to myself, my husband, and Hope.  I told Hope to fight and be strong.  I prayed to God that he would hold Hope in his arms and help her fight through the surgery.  Anyone that has had to hand their little ones over to surgeons knows the emotions I was going through.  They know the feelings...the raw emotion.  If you have not had to do this...I doubt I have described it and all the feelings that goes with it.  It is unreal and something I know I will have to do again...and I hate to think about that at all.

This is what Hope looked like one year ago today.  It is a picture that will forever remain in my head and I hate thinking that any other parent would have to see their sweet little baby so puffy and hooked up to so many machines. 

Hope was in surgery for over 8 hours and the day went by so slowly.  Our family spent the day in the Ronald McDonald room at the Clinic with us.  The boys came up and played and it took my mind off everything for about a second.  The hourly phone calls were heartwrenching.  They told me what was happening with my little girl and as much as I knew it was necessary...I was so scared and worried.  I waited for the calls and then when the phone rang, my stomach would turn and I would feel sick.  The whole day was like that...a few minutes of relief after the call, 50 minutes of worrying, and 5 minutes of being on the phone and hearing what was happening.

It was such a relief when we were able to see her after surgery.  I don't think anything could have really prepared us or our family for what she would look like.  I have seen men cry that I never thought would cry in public.  These are manly men...the ones brought up in an age where men DO NOT cry in public.  Those images will stay with me forever. 

The above pictures are the ones I cherish...Hope growing up.  She is AMAZING!  You would never know by looking at her that she has gone through 2 open heart surgeries and 2 heart caths.  She is and will always be my HERO!