Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I am trying to figure out how many different ways I can feel guilty lately.  I feel guilty when I come home because I am not spending time with Hope.  There are parents that stay at the hospital all day and night and I feel so guilty when I go home.  Then...I go to the hospital and leave the boys with either Marilyn, Danielle, or Jerry and I feel guilty leaving them.  They miss having their mommy with them and Paul has started holding onto my leg and crying when I leave him.  I know it doesn't last long, but it breaks my heart knowing that the boys do not get my full attention all the time.  I feel guilty asking everyone to watch them too because I don't have anyway to repay the favor.  I am spending every minute I can at the hospital and with the added expense for gas and the hospital bills, I can't really afford to pay anyone for their help either. I spend so much of my day feeling guilty about something or other and I am wondering when that will end.  I don't want to take advantage of anyone and I don't want anyone to ever feel that they are being taken advantage of either.  I am sure my guilt with work will start soon too.  I am starting back on Monday and I know that everyone has been picking up my slack while I have been on maternity leave.  I want to jump right back in because there is a new release out and I know that the sales teams are wanting to demo everything right away.  I still need to get up to speed on everything and start building out our demo environments.  I haven't been keeping up since I have been on maternity leave and I feel guilty that I will probably need to spend the first week back just getting caught up on everything that has happened. 

On to a lighter note...Hope is doing pretty good.  She is eating very good for me...almost 30 mls yesterday.  She is having problems with other people feeding her though (another reason for me to feel guilty).  It seems that she threw up two bottles yesterday and no one can figure out why.  She really needs to gain weight so she can come home, but when she throws up her food, it is definitely a set back.  They also started her on Digoxin which is a heart medicine that will slow done her heart rate.  Her heart rate is still pretty high and they want it to be a little lower so she doesn't have to work so hard.  I guess that is also keeping her from gaining weight because she is working so hard to just breathe. 

I still haven't heard anything about when she might be able to come home.  She may have to keep the NG tube in when she comes home because she is not taking enough in through the bottle to take her off the NG tube.  They are also talking about possibly sending her to rehabilitation to work on her feeding more.  I think she is doing pretty good considering she was a month old before she even had a bottle. 

Please continue to pray for our family and say an extra prayer for Hope to start eating better and gaining some weight so she can come home. 

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and support.  Words alone cannot express how grateful we are for everyone that has been there for us.


  1. Do no let yourself feel guilty. You are a great mom and your kids know it. I know it must be hard for the boys but thank God they are healthy and strong. Hope needs you more than ever right now and it is only temporarily. She should be home soon and then you spend all your time with your 3 wonderful kids. I am sure the people around you understand and they are more than grateful to help you out. I am sure you would do the same for them. Don't let that guilt get the best of you. Wish I was closer to help in some way. If you need to talk give me a call.
    Sending hugs from sunny CA.
    Take care...

  2. Can't speak for everyone - but I love having the boys!! Amanda and I have a great time with them. I wish I could do more - and feel guilty that I have not been able to do more. Don't spend too much time on the guilt - it eats up to much space in life - enjoy Hope - I know work will throw in another challange - but it will all work out in the end!! I am sorry that Paul has been grabbing on to your legs and crying - I know that breaks your heart - Dominic used to do that to me too - it was soo hard to leave. He will be okay!! It's hard to see right now but they will all be okay!! We love you and hope to see you and the boys soon!! Hoping to be fever free soon!! I love you!!

  3. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'm glad you found the words of encouragement I posted at just the right time. The book is called "Little Miracles" compiled by Dan Zadra.

    Please don't feel guilty! You're doing a great job considering you're being pulled in so many directions! Give yourself some well-deserved credit for keeping up as well as you are! Hang in there!!!

  4. Please try not to feel guilty! You are doing what's best for your family. In the big scheme of things, the time you are spending away from your boys is just a very small fraction of their lives. I haven't even had Adam yet and am already feeling guilty for what I am going to have to put my 2 yr old through, but I keep reminding myself that in 5 years, she won't even remember the time she missed with me. I'm sure nothing anyone can say to you will make you feel any different, but just try to remember that Hope needs you more than your sons right now!

  5. Paula, I know a little about the guilt that you're experiencing. It's too long to write here, but I'll write about something like that in my blog soon. From that experience, I can say that guilt can rob you from enjoying from what's in front of you. The trick is to live in the moment you are in. Guilt doesn't resolve anything, but only fill your mind about things you can't change. I've followed your blog for a while now, and to my eyes and in my heart, I can tell you that you've done a phenomenal job with all what has happened thus far. You've inspired so many people who came by to visit your blog. You should instead be proud of yourself, take strength from that to move forward. Time will heal you.

  6. Paula, please do not feel guilty about work...it pales in comparison to what you and your family have been through. Make sure you enjoy the last few days!!! Dave

  7. Paula, I know exactly what you are going through. Lauren was in a hospital 2 hours from our home. I had to leave my 2 year old a lot, but she has no lasting effects from her ordeal. Until I gave birth, Abby had never even been away from me because I am a stay at home Mom. It was hard. I worried about everything I wasn't getting done at home. Like you, I worried about gas and money for food or hotels. I felt guilty about people helping us. Complete strangers sent my kids gifts! You know what! Lauren's first birthday is this weekend and all of that is a distant memory. It turned out not to matter. I told people how much their assistance meant to me and that was enough. I gave Abby love and attention when I could and she's fine now. There were piles of stuff around my house to take care of (some of which I still am a year later), but it doesn't matter. We have our little Lauren. You are only capable of so much. Do what you can and know that the rest will fall into place or get taken care of eventually. You and Hope will be here tomorrow-that is what matters the most. Lucky for us infants aren't as aware of your abscence like an older child. Lauren has no lasting effects from the total of 9 weeks she has spent in the hospital and I definitely couldn't be there all the time. She knows who her Mommy is. Jessica Makuh

  8. Let the people serve you. Everyone wants to help. It is a blessing for them. Please don't feel guilty. You WILL get through this year!