Guilt

I am trying to figure out how many different ways I can feel guilty lately.  I feel guilty when I come home because I am not spending time with Hope.  There are parents that stay at the hospital all day and night and I feel so guilty when I go home.  Then...I go to the hospital and leave the boys with either Marilyn, Danielle, or Jerry and I feel guilty leaving them.  They miss having their mommy with them and Paul has started holding onto my leg and crying when I leave him.  I know it doesn't last long, but it breaks my heart knowing that the boys do not get my full attention all the time.  I feel guilty asking everyone to watch them too because I don't have anyway to repay the favor.  I am spending every minute I can at the hospital and with the added expense for gas and the hospital bills, I can't really afford to pay anyone for their help either. I spend so much of my day feeling guilty about something or other and I am wondering when that will end.  I don't want to take advantage of anyone and I don't want anyone to ever feel that they are being taken advantage of either.  I am sure my guilt with work will start soon too.  I am starting back on Monday and I know that everyone has been picking up my slack while I have been on maternity leave.  I want to jump right back in because there is a new release out and I know that the sales teams are wanting to demo everything right away.  I still need to get up to speed on everything and start building out our demo environments.  I haven't been keeping up since I have been on maternity leave and I feel guilty that I will probably need to spend the first week back just getting caught up on everything that has happened. 

On to a lighter note...Hope is doing pretty good.  She is eating very good for me...almost 30 mls yesterday.  She is having problems with other people feeding her though (another reason for me to feel guilty).  It seems that she threw up two bottles yesterday and no one can figure out why.  She really needs to gain weight so she can come home, but when she throws up her food, it is definitely a set back.  They also started her on Digoxin which is a heart medicine that will slow done her heart rate.  Her heart rate is still pretty high and they want it to be a little lower so she doesn't have to work so hard.  I guess that is also keeping her from gaining weight because she is working so hard to just breathe. 

I still haven't heard anything about when she might be able to come home.  She may have to keep the NG tube in when she comes home because she is not taking enough in through the bottle to take her off the NG tube.  They are also talking about possibly sending her to rehabilitation to work on her feeding more.  I think she is doing pretty good considering she was a month old before she even had a bottle. 

Please continue to pray for our family and say an extra prayer for Hope to start eating better and gaining some weight so she can come home. 

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and support.  Words alone cannot express how grateful we are for everyone that has been there for us.